Monday, October 22, 2012

Gone....perhaps the saddest word in the English language.

It rained today.  

I love the rain. 

 I'll never forget being home for a visit about five years ago.  My brother and three sisters were sitting on Lucinda's porch and the rain was coming down. 
 Lighting.  
Thunder.  
Then the phone rang.  
It was my dad.  He called to tell me I got my thunderstorm.  He knew how much I loved them.  

I love that memory.  

But, the reality is...this sucks.  

I dread October...two years ago today, I lost my dad.  
People say time heals all wounds.  I'm not so sure.  And, maybe I don't want to heal.  It's like, okay, I accept it...but do I really have to say goodbye?

Sometimes, I hear a song, read something or see something that reminds me of him...BAM...you feel like you have lost that person all over again.

There is a big giant void.

I spent the last 30 days of my dad's life with him.  A blessing yes.  Or perhaps a curse, as I watched him dying.  

It was the hardest thing, at the time, I had ever done.  

Now, it's living without him.  

I'm not trying to be dramatic.  It's true.  I lost a parent.  It's part of life.  Love and loss.   But at times, it seems crippling.  

Every journey ends.  

We move on.  We must move on.   

It's weird...now that he's gone...it's all I think about.  I wish I could tell him this...wish I could tell him that.  I sat at the doctor's office a month ago and cried after she took my blood pressure.  Are you okay, she asked?  I nodded my head embarrassed...thinking to myself, it's just that he would want to know.  He would want me to send him the print out of my blood work so he could analyze it and then tell me how proud he was I was so healthy.  Reminding me that if you don't have your health...well...you know how that goes.  

It's hard to describe...it's the kind of pain that doesn't feel real or that it's even possible that he is gone and then you go to call them to tell them something...and then it feels real...it socks you right in the gut.  And you sob and then you pull yourself together.  

As much as it hurts, however, I laugh when I feel afraid.  Or when I feel lonely.  Mostly, because I feel like I can do anything now.  

We all lose precious things.  Whether it is someone...or something...I believe that is what is part of being alive.  

Honestly, I'm not sure grief ever goes away.  How do you ever, forget?  I don't want to.  

It has been a defining moment on how I now live my life.  I carry everything my dad taught me...and make sure I bring them into my own life. 

It's how I will keep his spirit alive.

Tonight, although separated by miles, my sisters and I are eating steak and drinking a glass of red wine in his honor.

I love you Dad.  

 I miss you.


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